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Episode 1
Cultist Palava
It was getting to 11:25 pm that Thursday. News were making the rounds that the capon of Invisible Axe, the most notorious and dreadful cult group in the university, was dead. Or rather, assassinated. Probably, by another rival cult group.

I and three of my room mates were chatting boisterously about the gains and losses of being in a cult when we started hearing strange noises. It started faintly until it dawned on us that it was chant emerging from the street. We all stampeded towards the window to catch a glimpse of the riffraff impeding people from sleeping- even though we had no plans of sleeping that moment, but still- . lo and behold, members of the dreadful invisible axe in legions, shouting, crying, ululating and singing like berserk chickens. They were all in a frenzy. All armed with machetes and axes so sharp you could see lights sparkle on the floor when they use them against it or waves of light when they swerve it in the air.
“That’s their morale song….” I said so loudly that for a moment I thought the amok group heard it because they suddenly stopped. They looked towards our hostel. Yes! They heard it! They heard me! One of them shouted so loudly I thought it was a tire screeching. That was a signal to all of them that they were being watched. The invisible axe were never to be seen during a killing spree. They all started marching towards our hostel and that was when I received a terrific and brain shattering slap from my room mates. Each one of them made sure their palms made signs on my face.
“See wetin you don cause!!” Adim, one of them said. “You no fit hold your mouth well aby?” Paulo said. I could see the scowls in their faces even though it was late. Even though the slaps gave me excruciating pains, I couldn’t complain because death was awaiting us. My legs started shaking. My genitals shrunk to the extent that I feared I was never going to chop chin chin again.(sexual escapade). My hearts were beating so loudly and fast that I could hear it. The noises became more audible. They were closing in on us.
“Wetin we go do?” I asked, panting and shaking like a leaf in the wind. Without waiting for a reply, I hurriedly shut the window. The speed and momentum I used in performing that task was so good that on a normal day I would be hailed as Mr. Flash II. No sooner had I shut the window than we heard: ” na that window way dem just close now!” Had it been I had stayed put initially , the cultists would have been guessing which particular room we were. But I had succeeded in writing an invitation letter to the devils.
“Ahhhhh! Kachy e gbugo anyi ewooo!! kachy you have killed us!” Adim lamented and rushed for my neck. ” if we no die tonight eh, na me go use my hand kill you!” He pushed me against the wall. Meanwhile, the berserk group were kicking against the hostel main door and with the bombastic sound of numerous angry feet against that timid door that usually opens with just a slight push on a normal day, I feared it won’t take up to 45 seconds before they finally get to our room. I started sweating profusely like an obese man suffering from diarrhea and was in desperate need to use the toilet.
“Guys, abeg make we run comot na!” I suggested. “Walahi, if u talk again eh, na me go first use my fist comot your life go give God,” Ahmed, the only Hausa in Tinapa hostel, and my room mate said. I didn’t need any divine being to tell me Ahmed meant what he said. Only a 7-foot heavy weight champion had the guts to take his words for granted. For Christ’s sake, his slap alone was still hurting till now. On a normal day, I would be hopping, doing frog jump or chewing grass if he had bestowed on me that deadly slap. I didn’t wait for any time again, I quickly ran out of the room and started knocking at the opposite room. The angry mob had successfully broken down the door leading to the hall way, it would take them 20 seconds to walk slightly forward a bit, climb the staircase and chop of my head like my friend Austin loved to say. I started banging my neighbour’s door ferociously and pleading humbly still.
“Guy abeg, open door! I no wan die ooo. Ewoo! They will remove my head! Open door abeg!” I started crying. I was soaked with perspiration. 7 more seconds before I would meet my maker and I thought, “am I ready?” I started weighing my good and bad. Blood of Jesus! The bad was far much more than the good. “God if you spare my life,” I prayed within me, ” I would never chop chin chin again till I marry ( sexual escapade) I will never kush (smoke weed) I will never drink. Is it naija bet? Today is my last day I’ll even enter that shop. If I see girl, I will blindfold my self.” The footsteps had gotten too close and I stopped knocking and resigned to fate. “Chai! Naso I go take die?” That was the last thing I said before a hand suddenly grasped my shirt and pulled me inside the room I was knocking. The palm also held my mouth less I shouted and sold ourselves out. The members of the invisible axe knocked down the door of my room and robbed all my room mates. Sparing no one. The sounds of plea and cries filled my ears as they used their fists and boots on them. I was only save because I was in my neighbor’s room. I would have lost my handsome face and new Tecno Phantom that night. When the ruthless cultists had gone, my mouth was set free and that was when I realised that I had wet my pants. That night, I swore to give my life to Christ. But… You know… Chopping chin chin isn’t a sin, is it?